I feel a bit slow in my reactions.
Several days have already passed in 2023. On the evening of December 31, 2023, I didn't have much feeling. I watched the fireworks outside the window and thought they were beautiful and loud, but nothing more.
But today, I logged into a page that I haven't logged into for a long time, and I also read many summaries written by others online. Suddenly, I realized that as I grow older, if I don't actively summarize the past, my memories may become blurry and inaccurate in the future.
Thinking about this, a few days after New Year's Eve, I still decided to reminisce about the past year and look forward to the future.
Abrupt End#
If I have to summarize the past few years in a simple way, I would use the phrase "abrupt end".
I first felt the impact of this phrase back in May 2022. Why do I remember? Because that was when I graduated with a Ph.D. For many people, graduating with a Ph.D. is a rare occasion in life that should be celebrated, but for me, because I had been in isolation at home for almost 60 days, I didn't have many feelings after completing the nucleic acid test in the morning and defending my thesis in the afternoon. It was just in that moment that I knew my student life, after experiencing ups and downs, had finally come to an abrupt end.
The second time I felt the impact of this phrase was at the end of 2022. With the sudden lifting of epidemic prevention and control policies, although it was also an abrupt end, it didn't have much impact on me. It wasn't until December 2022 to January 2023, when my grandparents passed away one after another, that I suddenly realized that life, like everything else, can come to an abrupt end.
My impression of my grandparents is not that they were particularly good to me; when I was young, my impression was that they liked playing cards and mahjong, and because of these boring games, they became irritable, and the result of their irritability was that I would get scolded. When I was in junior high school, my parents were not at home, so I had to go to my grandparents' house for lunch, but it was just a meal, and there was no "intergenerational love" or anything like that. Later, during my high school, college, and graduate school years, I either lived on campus or far away from my hometown. We had less contact, and the distance grew, so I felt that those things from the past were no longer important.
My grandfather was a soldier in the Korean War. I have been listening to him tell stories about his battles since I was a child, listening to him talk about how they crossed the Yalu River. From his intermittent descriptions, I knew that he was a secretary by the commander's side on the battlefield, responsible for delivering messages - mainly because he knew how to read. He told me in detail about how the Americans used incendiary bombs to burn down all the trees on a mountain, and how they hid in caves on the mountainside to avoid being affected. He told me about how he risked his life to deliver messages amidst the burning bombs. He told me about how the soldiers had poor food and many of them suffered from night blindness. He also told me about how he secretly cooked in the army to fill his stomach.
In 2019, I once thought about recording my grandfather's memories of the past when I had time, and then collecting other descriptions of these historical events from historical records and piles of old papers. But after the outbreak began at the end of 2019, I hurriedly took a high-speed train on the second day of the Lunar New Year in 2020 to avoid being unable to return to school if the town was sealed off. After that, due to the repeated outbreaks of the epidemic and the implementation of quarantine policies, I didn't go back home for the Lunar New Year for the next few years. During this time, my grandfather had a cerebral hemorrhage and was hospitalized. After he was discharged, his cognitive abilities declined and he couldn't speak properly. I no longer had the opportunity to realize my idea of recording history for him on video. The next time I saw my grandfather was in late December 2022 after he passed away. Apart from feeling the impermanence of life and the fragility of life, I felt helpless. The idea of recording history on video also came to an abrupt end.
As for my grandmother's past, I know even less about it. I vaguely remember that she asked me to find a reservoir in Northeast China for her on a map. She said it was a reservoir that she and my grandfather had participated in building, and after the reservoir was completed, they had the opportunity to return to their hometown, so they went back together; since then, they never returned to see the people and things related to the construction of that reservoir in Northeast China. I don't know if she often recalls the experience of building the reservoir when she was young, or if she feels the same sense of impermanence as I do. If she knew that once she left Northeast China, she would never have the opportunity to go back, would she have said a proper goodbye to the people and things there?
One month after my grandfather passed away, my grandmother also passed away. After my grandfather's death, I took a week off and stayed at home. At that time, the whole country was in the midst of a positive outbreak, and our whole family was infected with COVID-19 one after another. My grandmother was still recovering from a serious illness at that time, and my grandfather's death had a profound impact on her mental state. Due to these two reasons, she couldn't recover from her illness, so when I saw her when I returned home, she couldn't recognize me anymore. My aunt and my aunt took care of her, but everyone around her at that time was a positive patient, so I guess my grandmother must have been positive too, but she was too weak to have a fever.
After staying at home for a week, I left, and before leaving, I specifically went to see my grandmother. At that time, she still didn't recognize me, and I already had a premonition that this might be the last time I would see her. Looking back now, although it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, I said a proper goodbye to my grandmother at that time.
In this way, the elders who had been with me for decades passed away one after another in the same year I graduated with a Ph.D., and life came to an abrupt end.
Of course, considering the current society and economy, I can also say that the decades of rapid economic growth seem to have come to an abrupt end. But there are already many narratives about this on the Internet, and my words are of no help. I just hope that in the future, we can all accompany our families and spend the future days calmly, safely, and meaningfully.
These things mark the beginning of 2023. Perhaps it is destined to be an unhappy year.
The world is bustling, all for profit#
Looking back at 2023, another thing that left a deep impression on me is the workplace and human nature.
The world is bustling, all for profit; the world is crowded, all for gain.
I have worked at a startup company founded by university professors. This startup company received millions of dollars in funding as soon as it was established. Perhaps the professors thought that with money, a career, and pursuits, everyone could unite and move forward together, working together to achieve results. However, things didn't go as planned. Since the day I joined this startup company, there has been constant internal struggle. As a non-core member, I don't understand the reasons behind the struggles, so I can only get a glimpse through casual conversations during my free time.
Although the startup company had only a few people, everyone wanted to have their own power and their own team, and they didn't want others to interfere with their responsibilities. Therefore, when there was a benefit, everyone rushed to grab it; when the results were not satisfactory, everyone shrank back and pushed the blame onto each other. As a result, in the end, besides making everyone in the company nervous and afraid to say a word, there was no achievement worth boasting about.
When professors come out to start a business, I later searched online and found that people generally have a negative view of this situation. Through my personal experience, I found that what others said was reliable. Professors may have good achievements in the academic field, but they are used to having the final say, not listening to others' opinions, and often using their seniority to suppress others, causing everyone to be silent. Good suggestions are not accepted, and their own impulsive ideas cannot be realized, leaving everyone in the company sighing and not knowing what to do.
Another occupation that made me think is being a doctor. During my time at that company, I had some collaborations with doctors. I found it difficult to make progress in working with doctors. Many of them just wanted to take money from you and didn't want to do anything else. At the same time, doctors generally have excessive self-confidence, and any ideas that don't fit their thinking are considered wrong, resulting in innovation becoming a routine process and ideas being tailored to please the doctors.
During this period, I began to think about the occupation of doctors and engineers. I like miHoYo's slogan "Technological Otaku Changing the World". I believe that human progress is driven not only by science but also by engineering and technology. Although doctors have professional knowledge, they mostly use algorithms developed by engineers and equipment developed by engineers to understand the situation and then make speculations based on their experience, which may not always be correct.
But why do doctors have a higher status than engineers? There are many reasons for this. As someone with an engineering background, I feel helpless about this phenomenon. It seems to imply that "knowledge is useless" and "technology is useless". What's the point of being good at technology? You will still be oppressed by class and social status.
But I still have some thoughts. Firstly, with the advancement of AI technology, experiences that were difficult to organize in the past may become modelable. Whether it is the experience of doctors or teachers, they can be saved in the form of AI models, reducing the reliance on famous doctors and teachers to some extent. Engineers will also surpass humans with their technological advancements. Secondly, in the long run, human physical limitations greatly restrict the breadth and depth of the mind. Therefore, Musk and many scientists hope that in the future, humans can overcome the limitations of the body and achieve mechanization. With the emergence of chatGPT and robot technology, it seems possible to me. Thirdly, advanced human thoughts are actually expressed through language. The chatGPT model has almost achieved "omniscience" from the perspective of language. If assisted by the "omnipotence" of robots, then the profession of "doctor" may also become an engineer.
Of course, if it really reaches that point, humans as biological beings may truly be surpassed by robots; even if they are not surpassed, what kind of society will be built by humans who have achieved eternal life? How can we avoid being enslaved by one eternal human? These are more distant topics.
Outlook#
I have rambled on and my thoughts have become more and more chaotic. In the future, I just hope that I can read more books, write more, and do my own work seriously.
If I regard my heart as a burden, why should I feel anxious and sad alone? Realizing that the past cannot be changed, I know that the future can be pursued. I am lost but not far away, aware of the present and the past.
I hope that everyone can truly live through 2024, I hope that there will be less scheming and plotting in the world, I hope that we won't fight for trivial gains, and I hope for peace and economic development in the world.